The Privilege of Adversity

The Privilege of Adversity

Sometimes you can go home again. I’m walking on the football field of my old high school, post game, letting the saccharin taste of nostalgia fill me. Memories cling to me like sticky, October cobwebs. I see my past - football, friends, family, fall; worries of a kind I’d envy today. I remember that feeling of safety you have as an adolescent because you’re surrounded by the adults of the world. I remember the nights I limped off of a field, tugging on my chin strap, shedding helmet and shoulder pads, walking towards my mother as my young brothers threw a football on the field, imagining their own stardom one day, to be sure. I see some of the same faces I would’ve seen 24-25 years ago. I embrace an old friend, and tell him I love him. I have a wonderful evening with my cousin and his wife. Yeah, I was 17 again, in a rich, but brief way.

But it’s not home too. New field. New coaches. New uniforms. I’m not playing tonight, I was there speaking. I’m watching the children of my former classmates play. It’s 2022, not 1996. But for a time, just a few precious moments, I remembered. . .

I was asked over the summer if I would go speak to my old high school football team before their Homecoming Game, something I had done once before. Of course I said yes, I love to hear me speak, proud as a little peacock, a little showy, always.

My alma mater sat at 0-5 on the year, but if they win out, they have a chance to make the playoffs. They could stretch and strain, angle to grasp that chance, or they could fold in on the themselves and quit. It was their choice how to respond. I hoped to provide the fodder needed for them to reach for the latter. Giving up is bullshit.

They were facing an undefeated team. It was a tense night. A glorious football fair ride. Twists, turns, momentum swings, big plays, turnovers, very suspect refereeing, and ultimately a 20-18 Orangeburg Prep victory. These boys played hard, with intensity and purpose. I was so proud. 1-5 now, with only possibility ahead.

After the game, several sweaty teenage boys ran up to hug me, huge smiles, huge feelings of pride. They don’t know me even if they know of me, but they knew I took my precious time to come be part of their world for a night, to sit in their corner, to have their back. To see their joy made my expense of effort, time, and treasure nominal compared to what I received in return. I’ve been adventuring for a while now, and that will continue, but last night was the best thing I’ve done in many years. Giving back, with no expectation of return, is why we’re all here.

I was a little busy this summer, and couldn’t really justify stopping to write a speech with so many other things that needed my attention, but this summer certainly shaped the message. This summer is the message. I started to write in earnest a few days ago. A sprawling, jumbled philosophical query into the nature, purpose, and value of tenacity. I quoted Viktor Frankl and Pat Conroy, I referenced the Economist, I used parables and asked Socratic style questions of myself. I sat down and reread it and decide to change course. I came down to one simple question that has a marvelously unknowable answer – Why shouldn’t we give up? Here goes:

Hey guys, how’s everyone doing? How many of you remember me from a couple years ago? Raise your hand if your parents went to OP. Who are they? I’m probably friends with them on Facebook. That’s the social media platform for old people.

It’s good to be here again, and by again I mean for the thousandth time. I’ve pulled up Willington Rd., between that chain link fence outside, and back behind this gym more times than I can remember. I’ve sweated here, bled here. It was here I began to understand the concept of never giving up, while burning in the humid, August sun during two-a-days and after going 4-6 my senior year after playoff runs my sophomore and junior years.

I hear we are 0-5. Good. I’m happy for you guys. You may not hear this from anyone else, but I don’t care. I hope by talking this out you can change the way you see 0-5 in your mind from something negative, to something brimming with opportunity. There’s a famous former navy seal, he’s all-over social media, Jocko Wilnik. He has this spiel talking about misfortune and after every example he says, “Good.” Lost five games? Good. Bad practice? Good. Beat up, hurt? Good. Loss is a teacher. Pat Conroy is my favorite writer, he went to the Citadel and played basketball there. In his memoir about being a college basketball player he wrote this:

"Sports books are always about winning because winning is far more pleasurable and exhilarating to read about than losing. Winning is wonderful in every aspect, but the darker music of loss resonates on deeper, richer planes. I think about all the games of that faraway year that played such a part in shaping me, and it is the losses that stand out because they still make their approach with all their capacities to wound intact. Winning makes you think you'll always get the girl, land the job, deposit the million dollar check, win the promotion, and you grow accustomed to a life of answered prayers. Winning shapes the soul of bad movies and novels and lives. It is the subject of thousands of insufferably bad books and is often a sworn enemy of art.

"Loss is a fiercer, more uncompromising teacher, coldhearted but clear eyed in its understanding that life is more dilemma than game, and more trial than free pass. My acquaintance with loss has sustained me during the stormy passages of my life when the pink slips came through the door, when the checks bounced at the bank, when I told my small children I was leaving their mother, when the despair caught up with me, when the dreams of suicide began feeling like love songs of release. It sustained me when my mother lay dying of leukemia, when my sister heard the ruthless voices inside her, and when my brother Tom sailed out into the starry night in Columbia, South Carolina, sailed from a fourteen story building and plunged screaming to his death, binding all of his family into his nightmare forever. Though I learned some things from the games we won that year, I learned much, much more from loss."

So, 0-5. Time to learn. Time to get better. We can learn from loss. Quitting teaches us nothing except to find an easier, softer way. It doesn’t matter to me if you win or lose. It doesn’t matter much that you have fun, but you should, and I hope you do. What matters is if you face this thing head on and you play hard. Because if anything is worse than losing, it’s quitting. And playing half-assed is just quitting in different clothes. These moments, these plays, these chances to dig deep and make a tackle, break a tackle, throw a block all disappear. Flown away. Gone. Gone as quickly as they came. What will you remember? Will you look back with pride at how you responded, or will you not look back at all because we don’t have nostalgia over shame?

You’re 0-5 , but you should be practicing like you’re 5-0. Are your reps tight? Assignments executed? Are we in position? Wrapping up? Blocking hard? Running hard? Tackling with purpose? Driving our legs? Are you walking off these football fields with gas left in the tank? If you aren’t practicing and playing with intensity and intention, and if you aren’t walking off the field beat up and exhausted with an empty tank, and if you think grit is just a word for not enough grits, I want you to listen twice. Three times. Hell, I’ll send you a copy of this to memorize.

Sports are fun, but like most worth things worth doing (and everything you do should be ‘worth it’), they are also tools. They teach you about yourself and they impart lessons, the value of which may not dawn on you until years or decades down the road. That’s why old guys keep talking about their playing days. They’re still learning from their experience – and they’re bragging. Because they’re old and can’t play anything anymore. You rarely hear an old guy talk about playing and he says he sucked. We were all All-American’s at some point. But you give me a group of old athletes and let me ask them about adversity in their lives, whether physical disease, mental struggles, spiritual crises, grief, whatever, and they will talk at least partly about concepts they learned as an athlete. Its why sports are important.

At some point in your life, you will hear the words, “Don’t give up.” Or “Never give up.” Or “Never quit.” You may hear it from your parents, your teachers, your coaches, and if you’re lucky, hear it from each other. They are famous words. One of my favorite iterations is Jim Valvano, the famous basketball coach for NC State, eaten up with cancer, speaking at the ESPY’s, telling the world, “Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up.” There are countless quotes like this one from Thomas Edison, “Our greatest weakness lies in giving up.” Or the famous Tennessee women’s basketball coach Pat Summit, “Winning is fun . . . sure. But winning isn’t the point. Not giving up is the point. Never being satisfied with what you’ve done is the point.”

Another is a printed piece of paper that hung in the first law firm I ever worked at. The one I passed around. Long before memes, people use to fax funny pictures to each other. This one my old boss kept, and it was a cartoon picture of a frog swallowed whole by a bird, everything but his legs and arms. Although he was being swallowed, his hands were around the bird’s throat trying to choke it to death. Under the picture were the words, “Don’t ever give up.” Of all the images or words I have seen or heard addressing the maxim of “Don’t give up” that is my favorite. The artistic embodiment of going down swinging.

“Never give up’ is an idea I keep returning to and learning about as I age, more so now than ever. It’s a concept that has caused me to suffer, it’s a hard lesson, but it has saved me time and time again. I read an article in the Economist years ago that said the single best predictor of future success among people wasn’t socioeconomic status, educational attainment, attractiveness, intelligence, or charisma, but grit. They used the word grit. Call it what you want to - perseverance, tenacity, resiliency - it’s more than likely the single best indicator of whether or not you’ll lead a life you want and can be proud of, or one where, when you become old and gray, and you look backwards and think, “I wish I would’ve done more,” or maybe more importantly, “I wish I could’ve been counted on.” Do you think not giving up is hard? Does the thought of grinding something out, fighting through, staying the course through pain scare you? Wait until you chew through a few years, or God help you, a lifetime of regret. That’s real pain. That’s what you should fear, not the pain from trying too hard.

I haven’t changed much appearance wise since the last time I did this, my hair may be a little longer, I have a beard, but the last couple years have been a time of tremendous change and adversity for me personally. I’ve been divorced. Had my best friend abandon me when times became hard. I moved states to be with my three daughters. Because I’m a lawyer (and that’s actually true), I had to take another bar exam when I moved. I became a single dad for large periods of time. I had a small cancer scare. I quit a job I loved, left people I loved, had people I love leave me. Most of this happened over the course of the last six months. I didn’t want to do any of it. I wanted none of it to happen. I wanted a safe space to save me, but those things are illusions. They don’t exist. Those things don’t help you study when you’re exhausted. They don’t right your world when you lose what’s important to you. They don’t scab over wounds and make them heal. The world has many, many ways to strike at you and you cannot protect yourself from them all. I tried to use my privilege card, but I’m maxed out. Safe spaces and privilege sound wonderful, but these things won’t save you from heartache, mental anguish, spiritual pain, physical adversity, economic downturns, pandemics, catastrophe. But Grit will. Sometimes, you must endure, survive, choose not to give up. But why?

Why is it important to not give up? We are always told not to give up, but no one ever tells us why this is important. I thought about this for a while when I was writing this speech. I asked a really successful friend of mine who has endured her own upheavals and struggles what she thought. I asked my Uncle, who is my guidepost in life, his thoughts. I did a survey of my three brothers. Everyone has a differing opinion. I realized, we are fed the words “Don’t give up” over and over during our lives, but no one ever articulates a clear reason why.

Here's why – your life has begun. Childhood leaves you as soon as you think for yourself, the first time you argue with your parents over who is right. From then own, your autonomy comes with a burden. Every moment, every decision, every action you take is building the person you are, the person you will become. If you start now, at your age, leading a life where you quit during difficult times and giving up when you are tested seems the best choice, then you will be destined to lead a life of fear and doubt, which is far, far worse than a life of adversity. It’s hell on earth, I know. I walked the path of giving up for years. Walked it until I couldn’t stand one more day of being afraid. Walked it to where I was willing to die than keep living that way.

And worse, if you start a pattern now of bailing when things are hard, running from people and places when it hurts, then I can’t count on you, but more importantly, you can’t count on yourself. I’m not telling you to stay in places that are unhealthy or dangerous, and part of growing older is learning the difference between when it’s good to stay the course and when it’s too harmful, but I am telling you that the world today suffers from a plague of quitting too soon. That is not a gritty life, A life with an edge. You lead a life of grit and resiliency, so you don’t have to lead a life of fear and anxiety.

You know what’s worse than a life full of losing? A life full of fear. Always watching for the boogeyman. Always jumping at noises and seeing monsters in the shadows. Always on the lookout for the next thing that will hurt you. Spiritually lost, no faith in anything, no faith in yourself. Some Shakespeare for you – “A coward dies a thousand times before his death, but the valiant taste of death but once.” A life of continuous quitting primes the pump for fear. Like Franklin Roosevelt said, “All we have to fear is fear itself.” Fear of doing the thing is always worse than doing the thing. Sometimes you just have to do the thing.

The most impressive outlook on life I have ever heard comes from a guy named Viktor Frankl. This may be the best quote ever, but not because of the words or their beauty or meaning, but because of the context. Victor Frankl is one of the world’s great psychiatrists, but he was also a Jew during the holocaust. Here’s what happened to him:

In 1942, just nine months after his marriage, Frankl and his family were sent to the Theresienstadt concentration camp. His father died there of starvation and pneumonia. In 1944, Frankl and the surviving members of his family were transported to Auschwitz, where his mother and brother were murdered in the gas chambers. His wife died later of typhus in Bergen-Belsen. Frankl spent three years in four concentration camps.

Here is the quote, here is the piece of wisdom that man took from unspeakable suffering and grief:

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

I’ve never read, or heard of, or seen a more striking example of grit. Of perseverance. His attitude and mindset are almost not believable when considering his torments. In the face of everyone he loved dying or being murdered, while starving, sick, enduring maybe the greatest atrocity of human history, Victor Frankl thought, “I do not care how bad things are, I alone choose how I will respond.”

And here is what people don’t tell you about not giving up - it sucks. Its hard. It’s freaking brutal, being brave, staying the course, wanting quit second after second, but overcoming yourself to push on. It’s not some superhero movie where you can easily throw boulders, fly, or shoot lightening from your hands. It’s grinding, step by step, decision by decision, play by play, tackle by tackle, block by block. It hurts. Frankl agrees, in another favorite quote of mine he says, “But there was no need to be ashamed of tears, for tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer.”

When you don’t give up, you must have the courage to suffer. I do not know suffering on Frankl’s level, but suffering is relative. The worst thing that has ever happened to you is the worst thing that has ever happened to you regardless of how bad someone else has it. You have to endure, whatever happens. You can’t outrun your demons, they will always be step for step with you because they are you. Sometimes, you just have to stare them down, and make them your bitch. Perspective, mindset, how you respond, is the only thing to get you through hard times, which you find yourself in now at 0-5.

I’m not here regurgitating things I think sound cool or wise, I have chosen things carefully to share, these are things I believe or have come to believe. I’ve used them. I’ve needed them, I have had to come back from the bottom several times in my life. I could have stayed there, dark, alone, as safe as I could make the world, and totally and utterly useless. I could have given up, but duty called to me. We all have responsibilities greater than ourselves. And when all was lost, I reached out for help, and help found me. People who themselves had not quit, but chose to survive. They were there to help me, and now it is my time to be there, to help others. Where will you be when the world comes to you, asking to help it? In the hole, defeated, thoroughly given up, or standing tall, arm outstretched, saying lean on me. We all need someone, or something greater than ourselves, to look to for strength. Why not quit, because no man is an island, not even Darrell Revis. People will depend on you. Look to you for stability, for strength, for hope. Like a wife, a child, or for today, like your teammates. That’s why we don’t quit.

0-5. Quit now and you’ll develop that habit. You’ll lean on that cozy, soft crutch. And now you’re off to the races. Running. A life of scampering, dodging, weaving, juking through the fingers of adversity, never resting, never standing your ground. Jumping at shadows. Begging the world, “Don’t hurt me. Please don’t hurt me.” I think if you give up enough times you die. Warnings come. Stress and anxiety make you feel weak, sick telling you you’re not living how you should. Telling you to turn around and look fear in the eye. Go down swinging.

I love the Rocky movies. Rocky, not talented, not super-fast, not a technical boxer, and gets his face beat in by everyone, but just refuses to quit. He loses his first fight against Apollo Creed. But when Apollo wants to fight him again to show he’s a way, way better fighter, Apollo’s trainer says, “He’s all wrong for us, baby. I saw you beat that man like I never saw no man get beat before, and the man kept coming after you. Now we don't need no man like that in our lives.” And he kept coming after you. Rocky wins the second fight. He goes on to fight Clubber Lang and loses. His old coach, Mickey, dies. Apollo offers to coach him. Rocky is training half-assed, scared to fight Clubber again. At one point Apollo screams at him to train harder and Rocky responds, “Tomorrow.” Apollo looks at him and shrieks, “There is no tomorrow! There is no tomorrow!” Two important lessons are there – adversity is never-ending and today, the now, the moment, is all that matters.

I want you all to close your eyes for a few moments. Now imagine the place. The place where you’ve made it. You come home every day, and everything is fine. You’re flush with money. You have a wonderful wife and kids. Great job. It’s all there. Even your dog is good. Guess what? It’s an illusion. A mirage. That place is not real, it never will be in any permanent sense. You may have days that are wonderful, I have, but you won’t have an endless string of those days. And whatever place you just imagined - it won’t be like that. Your wife will be blond instead of brunette. You may have even more money, but your cat will piss on the floor sometimes. You’ll get fired, find a better job. Have one kids who listens, and one who pushes the envelope. You’ll develop a bunk knee and gain weight. We don’t get to know what’s ahead of us with particularity, but I promise adversity will be there. Apollo will cave your face in, then you’ll beat him, all the while Clubber Lang is waiting in the shadows, and past the shadows, down the road, Ivan Drago is taking steroids and doing pushups waiting to kick your ass. There is no escape from the tumult of life. None of us get out alive or unscathed. Only the will to grind, to survive, to thrive makes life bearable. To choose how you will respond in any set of circumstances is the only superpower you’ll ever have.

People think their lives are out there. Success is out there. They think, I’m young, I have time, or I’ll get there tomorrow, or I’ll start next week. That thinking builds into days, weeks, months of inaction. And then your old! And time isn’t a commodity. A life half-lived, a life barely lived. Your life isn’t some oasis on the horizon. It’s now. These moments. Football is just the current vehicle and lesson. Nex month it’s an Algebra II test. Then when girlfriend dumps you. You may not get into the college you want. But that’s tomorrow, tonight is all that matters. The now. Now. Now. Now is your life, not tomorrow, not yesterday, listening to me now.

Tonight, don’t play for me, or your parents, or your girlfriend, or even your coaches. Play for each other. Set in your mind that you will be a man that can be counted on. You are going to develop that now. In this moment. Start a path that widens your entire life, a path where people look at you and say, See that guy? You can count on him. He won’t quit on you.

But this isn’t boxing, this is football, and you can play until your talent runs dry and you leave your soul depleted and weary on the field, you can give all, everything, and you won’t win unless the guys with you do the same.

My two favorite writers both went to the Citadel. Pat Conroy, who I quoted earlier, and Oliver Rigney, who most people have never heard of. He goes by the pen name Robert Jordan. He wrote fantasy novels like Game of Thrones. In one of the books, one of the main characters is a kid named Matt Cauthon. At one point he is talking to the leader of a powerful country. She needs Matt’s help. She tells him, “Matt, you remind me of my uncle Huan. He loved to gamble, drink, and would much rather carouse than work. He laid about and shirked responsibility. He died pulling children out of a burning home. He wouldn’t stop going back in as long as any child remained inside. So I ask you, Matt, where will you be when the flames get high?”

I’m asking all of you to look at the guys around you. Seriously, do it. Look at their faces. Would you pull them out of a burning building? Would you be there for them? Or would you quit? Because in a metaphorical sense, your season is burning down around you into ruin. And you’re all trapped inside. Where will you be when the flames get high? Where will you be for the people who count on you?

So why not give up? So you learn to count on yourself. So you become formidable. Capable. So you can love your life and be proud of it. So the people you love and love you know they can count on you. So you can find out on what is on the other side of fear, I promise, it’s all the good things life has to offer. Your life, this experience, moment by moment, is all that you have. Whether you focus on achievement, spirituality, family, it doesn’t matter, this is it. What are you building? When the moment to quit or to grind on comes to you, what will you build? I hope it is a life fully lived, not one fully given up on. Live it with intensity and abandon, with purpose. Tackle with an edge. Block with a mean streak. Play, hard. Don’t ever quit. Go down swinging. This is your field. Your house. No one should come into your house and push you around. Keep going after them. No plays off. Grind. Develop a reputation as a player, team, and program, a reputation where the coaches on the other side tell their players all week, “I don’t care what OP’s record is, they’re going to play hard.” Don’t do it to just win a football game, do it to build you, a person, who twenty, thirty, forty years from now gets knocked on his ass, but gets back up.

And again, Here is why you should never, ever quit – people. We all need each other, to bring us up when we’re down, to run in when the flames are high. In another Rocky movie he is reminiscing about his old trainer, Mickey, who died. They’re alone in the ring and Mickey tells Rocky, “ . . I'll never leave you until that happens, 'cause when I leave you you'll not only know how to fight, you'll be able to take care of yourself outside the ring too, is that okay?” Then he gives Rocky a cuff link Rocky Marciano gave him and tells Rocky, “ . . it's gonna be like a, like an angel on your shoulder see? If you ever get hurt and you feel that you're goin' down, this little angel is gonna whisper in your ear. It's gonna say, 'GET UP, YOU SON OF A BITCH, 'cause Mickey loves you'.

When we teach, all we hope is to plant a seed that blooms one day into a lesson, me, your coaches, your teachers. Talking tonight, I am only a gardener, just planting seeds in you. I hope one day they bloom when you need them, maybe tonight, maybe many years from now, and they tell you, “Don’t quit. Don’t give up. Go down swinging. Ward believes in you.”

Now go kick some ass.

Blog Post Title Two

It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.

Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.

Blog Post Title Three

It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.

Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.

Blog Post Title Four

It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.

Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.